The Unwritten Rules of the Road: Chicago Edition

Today, while I was driving to work, before I could even have a sip of my Venti Coffee with Skim Milk & no sugar from Starbucks, I was almost killed! The driver of a black Envoy was on their cell phone and driving. So when they decided to merge into the extreme left lane they couldn't be bothered with checking their blind spot which I happened to be speeding through at the moment. So, when they decided to merge I was right next to them! How they didn't see me I don't know! How could they not hear me? My bass is always blasting, plus I was honking! My first instinct was to swerve into the emergency lane as much as I could so she wouldn't hit me, to honk and show her the pretty blue nail polish specifically on my middle finger.

This near brush with death made me think about how this never would have happened if people who didn't regularly drive on the express-ways and highways in the morning would just stay off. I know you're probably wondering how I knew they weren't a 'regular.' Well, it was obvious because they weren't following the "unwritten rules of the road."

#1. GET BLUETOOTH! I know I am going to sound like Oprah, but do not talk, text or email while driving! I understand you do it all the time and have never had an accident but you don't realize while you're on the phone, you are breaking for absolutely no reason. It's fine if you're in the right lane, everybody knows they drive 55-60 and are break happy but you dare get into the extreme left lane and break for no reason. That's pretty ballsy. Please remember this: You will get passed and shown lots of middle fingers. I've actually known someone who has throw carrots at a perpetrator.

#2. DON'T LEAVE A HUGE GAP! Yes I know tailgating is rude but if you decide to be nice and leave just the smallest amount of space, merging traffic will cut right in. I am not just talking about one car, once people discover you're the weak link in the morning traffic chain, then you will get cut-off all morning.


#3. BE VIGILANTE, DON'T GET PULLED OVER. I honestly hate that person that was wreckless and decided to get pulled over by a cop at 7:00am because that means everybody has to stop, look at you and then drive away.  Chicagoens are nosy people, slim chances are we might know you and then have to ridicule you about it later.

#4. DON'T DRIVE UNDER 75 IN THE LEFT LANE! "Regulars" knows that if you're driving through Chicago suburban traffic in the morning nobody goes to speed limit. Each lane has a designated speed. The far right is 55-64, the middle lane is 65-70, and the left lane is 75+.

Wreck at 55N/355 Junction in July.

I know these rules sound ridiculous but trust me, I'm not the only one complaining about the jerk that went 65 in the left lane. I know because they are following me as I pass them. And here's a tip keep your POS car out of the left lane, I don't feel like dealing with your engine stalling and causing major traffic delays for the rest of the day!